WHEN Lisa* was 16, she was raped.
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But it took her five years to believe that.
Even when her abuser admitted he had raped her, she couldn’t accept it.
“My whole life, the concept of rape was brutal,” she said.
“It involved women being beaten and tied up and you hear stories of them putting up a fight.
“For a long time, I doubted I was raped and it took a long time for me to realise that I was.”
Speaking exclusively to the Riv, Lisa wanted to share her story in the hope others with similar experiences weren’t living in denial and silence.
Especially because a law change is further silencing rape survivors by ordering them to contact their attackers before applying to court for the right to speak out using their own names.
“For the judicial system to take even more from us, it's completely horrible,” Lisa said.
“We already deal with rape culture and victim blaming and the judicial system has not made it any easier for people to speak up by doing this.”
It was this ‘rape culture’ and victim blaming that stopped Lisa from getting any kind of “justice” for the crimes against her.
Her rape wasn’t the first time Lisa was sexually assaulted.
She was 15 when a school friend started pressuring her for sex.
“Boys that age were constantly asking for sexual advances or nude photos and it didn't at all seem like I was at any harm,” she said.
“He was my friend and he was being a typical boy. But one day he grabbed my chair in class and pulled it right next to his and stuck his hand up my skirt.
“I grabbed his hand hard and tried to pull it away and I begged him to stop, but he slid his hand up my skirt and under my underwear and touched me, even while I was trying so hard to pull his hand away.
“I was so embarrassed and scared and I didn't want to make a fuss in front of the class because I was worried he would just say I was lying.”
Lisa was bullied in school and called a slut because she wore make-up and had a boyfriend.
“I didn't think I could speak up,” she said.
Eventually, Lisa went to the police.
“A detective was put on my case and tried to compare my situation to going to a bar and having a drink with a man you're interested in,” she said.
“They couldn't prove I said no, so nothing happened to this boy.
“I lost a lot of friends because he lied about me to everyone and they believed him.”
The experience left Lisa powerless and broken and she began using drugs.
One night, when she was 16, she was so high she couldn’t walk.
“A trusted friend, someone I had known for about four years, said I could stay at his house and he would look after me because I couldn't go home to my mum like this,” she said.
“I was carried into his house and put to bed. I apologised for being rude as I needed to go straight to bed because I wasn't okay.
“He started touching me and climbing on top of me. I couldn't speak or scream or fight him off. I couldn't even walk myself into his house.
“I rolled onto my side and started crying while I pulled my knees up to my chest and attempted to stay in a ball and cover my genitals so he couldn't do anything.
“He kept going anyway. He didn't care. I froze up and then passed out.”
At first, Lisa couldn't talk about it.
“Even though my abuser admitted he did rape me, I couldn't accept it,” she said.
“I spoke up about it to someone and I was victim blamed a few times.
“I was also told my experience wasn't true and I was not raped.”
Eventually, Lisa started to believe this.
“It took five years for it to affect me, because it is killing me now,” she said.
“It is only now taking a toll on me and I have PTSD.
“I dealt with this on my own.”
Lisa is just one of countless sexual assault survivors who — in support of the #LetUsSpeak campaign — wants the Victorian Government to allow victims to speak publicly about their abuse without getting permission from a court.
“I want people to know that if your situation is like mine, then you were raped,” she said.
“You don't have to kick and scream and fight. You can freeze up and be terrified and you were still raped.
“If it doesn't affect you for 20 years, you were still raped.
“Do not let people who victim-blame or doubt your story tell you that you weren't. And don't be afraid of other people who don't think your story is brutal enough to be raped.
“Speak your story and speak it loud.”
Lisa said being raped had taken control and power from her.
“It affects us all in different ways and we all will deal with it in our own ways but it still takes something from you that you can never take back,” she said.
“You can learn to live with what happened to you, but I will never be able to fix what he did to me.”
* not her real name.
#LetUsSpeak is a campaign formed in partnership with End Rape On Campus Australia, Rape and Sexual Assault Research and Advocacy and Marque Lawyers.
- If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault or domestic violence, call the Sexual Assault Crisis Line on 1800 806 292 or CASA on 5441 0430 or visit casacv.org.au
- If you feel unsafe or are concerned for someone’s safety, call 000 or contact police.
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