Let's Talk | How to break up well

It might be the first time this has happened or maybe the sixth, but either way the world is spinning, much like your head.

Are you unlovable? Was the relationship real? Were they the worst? Will you have to finally start paying for your own Netflix account? All valid questions.

Entering adult years is hard enough without the soul-crushing weight of a break-up of any sort but maybe, just maybe, it could be a chance to get to know yourself.

From the outside, Goulburn Valley local Lily’s four-year relationship looked great.

They had the works — a home, a dog and a future set up — but deep within, there was a niggle Lily could ignore for only so long.

“I was definitely scared to leave my relationship; it was safe, comfortable and ‘successful’ by outside or societal measures,” she said.

“I hadn’t ever lived on my own before and for a long time, I convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to.

“That was a mix of reasons, including financial, fear of loneliness, and worry I just had a ‘grass is greener’ mentality.”

And so, at 26 years old, Lily took a gamble.

She left all that was familiar and took a terrifying leap into the unknown.

Little did she know that a year from that point, she’d be grateful for her own bravery.

“Leaving the relationship meant learning to be completely self-sufficient, managing my own finances, physical space and time,” she said.

“It meant total freedom, for better and for worse.”

Relationships Australia Victoria counsellor and assistant manager Paul Wiseman said that while a break-up could be an emotionally painful time, there was hope in the rough and tumble — if viewed through a growth lens.

“It can also be an opportunity for the individual to look at what have they learnt about themselves from this relationship,” Paul said.

“What would they do differently in a future relationship? What would they look for in a future partner?”

While the break-up cliché of a tub of ice cream and watching a healthy dose of rom-coms can be a necessity, Paul suggested the key to healing lay in knowing your limits.

“If you are clear that it is over or the other person has moved on, do yourself a favour and don’t keep putting energy into a relationship that will not go anywhere,” he said.

“Accepting what has happened, if you don’t like it, will assist you to begin to move on with your life.

“Moving forward helps, reclaiming a sense of self — particularly if this has been damaged.

“Not sitting around and getting stuck in thinking about ‘why has this happened to me?’, but rather not letting the hurt stop you from picking yourself up and getting back into the life that you want for yourself.”

On ending her relationship, Lily was struck with an inevitable truth: she was on her own.

Initially she filled her time any way she could — silence was but a distant memory filled with a ballad, podcast or any type of content to drown out the ruminating thought: have I done the right thing?

“I tried to really explore my identity and personality, it felt like starting from square one at some points,” she said.

“I came up with performance goals to work towards — strength goals, handstands, running 10km, reading a book a month — which is something I still keep up today.”

In combination with regular meditation, soon the silence became less daunting; instead, it offered comfort.

Lily learnt to live her life with the one she’d always be with. She nourished, she challenged, she hurt; but importantly, Lily said she flourished.

Reflecting on her experience, she said the biggest takeaway was learning to trust her instincts.

“I knew the relationship wasn’t serving me for probably a whole year before it actually ended, but feared and doubted my ability to be totally independent and to be okay even if I never had another relationship again,” she said.

“I was ultimately only single for a just over a year, but I learnt so much about who I am, what I want to achieve, and what I want out of a relationship.

“I now know that if my current relationship broke down, although I would be devastated, I would also be totally okay.

“I think that's an attractive quality and an important sentiment in ensuring that I’m in this relationship because I want to be, and not because I feel any obligation to be.”

* Names have been changed for privacy reasons.