Sarah* didn’t know what stealthing was when it happened to her.
She was 21 at the time; she didn’t know how it would affect her or just how much the violation would impact her life from then on.
But it did — and it still does years later.
“I was extremely confused because I was telling myself it was my fault too and that I needed to let it go, but my mind and body told me otherwise,” she said.
“It affected me a lot more than I realised.”
After the assault, Sarah tried to continue living life as she had.
It was just another incident, she told herself, it happens to everyone.
In the months after, her anxiety started bordering on unbearable, she felt as though she couldn’t trust any men.
Her body was foreign, as though it wasn’t her own, she developed symptoms of vaginismus — a condition when the muscles around the vagina tighten involuntarily — any other encounters left her in agony.
She began to feel the onus shift to herself.
“It felt like a grey area of consent,” she said.
“After my incident I definitely brushed it off because A, I was drunk and B, I was all for it at the start and I had put myself in that position.
“At the time I was scared of saying anything because I didn’t want the person to get in trouble.”
Sarah never reported the assault.
On August 30, Victorian Parliament passed new laws that would criminalise stealthing.
The legislation defined the removing, tampering with, or not using a condom without consent as a crime.
The laws will come into effect in 2023, also moving to an affirmative consent model to better protect survivors of sexual assault.
Sarah sees the strengthening of laws as a huge step forward, but with that comes the frustration of time — that it took so long for victim-survivors to be heard.
According to a 2018 study by Monash University and the Melbourne Sexual Health Centre, one in three women and one in five men have been victims of stealthing.
“Since it happens to a lot of women, friends and I would discuss incidents like this happening to us where we would consent first then something would happen,” she said.
“Like taking off a condom without asking, being too drunk and falling asleep while a man would continue sexual activities.
“But we would always be the ones ending up questioning whether or not it was wrong — I think there is a lot of shame.“
After a growing number of calls, next year will see consent education mandated across Australian schools.
“It’s still a work in progress and part of me thinks that a lot of the content may not be as in depth as it needs to be, but it’s something,” Sarah said.
“I wish we were taught about it in school, it might have saved a few people.”
*Names have been changed to protect those in the story.
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Sexual Assault Crisis Line: 1800 806 292
Centre Against Sexual Assault: 5831 2343
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